[simpits-tech] O.T. bit a laugh

[Jim and Liz]

A bit of a laugh.....

 
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear.  The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers around the world.
 
 
       Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
       miles!"
 
       Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital
       watches!"
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
 
      "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.  How much noise can we
       make up here?"
 
        "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
       hits a 727?"
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
        From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
       queue:        "I'm f ... ing bored!"
 
       Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
       identify yourself immediately!"
 
       Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f ... ing bored, not
       f ... ing stupid!"
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
 
      While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
      ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
 
      Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
      long roll out after touching down.
 
      San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
      turn at the end of the runway, if, you are able.  If you are
      not able. take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
      right at the lights and return to the airport."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
      priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
      was running "a bit peaked."
 
      Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
      number two behind a B~52 that had one engine shut down.
 
       "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
       approach."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned
       and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it took off.
       A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
       "What exactly, was the problem?"
 
       "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
       explained the flight attendant.  "It took us a while to find a new
pilot."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
       overheard the following:
 
        Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
       clearance time?"
 
       Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak
       in English."
 
       Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
       airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
 
       Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
       accent):    "Because you lost the bloody war."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
   Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on
    frequency 124.7"
 
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
   By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal
   on the far end of the runway."
 
   Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind
   Eastern 702. Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy
   that report from Eastern 702?"
 
   Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off,
   roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our
   caterers."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
      One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
       hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC~8
       landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
       Cherokee.
 
       Some comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio
       and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by
       yourself?"
 
       The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
       immediately replied : "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
       Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
       another one."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
      While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
       Air flight departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
       came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
       controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
 
        "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!  I told you
       to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!
       Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the
    difference
       between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
       embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
       "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
       this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
       You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
       and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
       how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
 
        "Yes, ma'am", the humbled crew responded.
 
        Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
       fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
  
  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
  current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.
 
        Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
       microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
 
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.
 
        Speedbird 206.  "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
       runway."
 
        Ground: "Speedbird 206.  Taxi to gate Alpha One~Seven."
 
        The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
       stop.
 
        Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
 
        Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
       location now."
 
       Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
       have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
 
        Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
       dark, and I didn't land."