[simpits-chat] No Nursing Home For Me!

Brian Sikkema hangr18 at hotmail.com
Sun Mar 28 11:42:21 PST 2004

My brother sent this to me, thought it was pretty funny.

(Also, I'm hiding in the IRC right now, looking for more distraction from homework. Anyone up to the task? ;)

  Subject: No Nursing Home For Me

  With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

  Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

  Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, vending machines, etc. Most have free toothpaste, razors, all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem!   They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call an ambulance or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. What more can you ask for?

  So: When I reach the Golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: me at HolidayInn!
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