[simpits-chat] Wednesday fun

[Stig Joergensen]

 SIGNS IN ENGLISH SEEN IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES:
 
 Doctor's office, Rome:
 SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
 
 At a Budapest zoo:
 PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT

 TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
 
 Cocktail lounge, Norway:
 LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
 
 Hotel  Acapulco:
 THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
 
 Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
 COOLES AND HEATES:  IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
ROOM, 
 PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
 
 Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
 WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM 
 MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
TOOTLE 
 HIM WITH VIGOR.
 
 Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
 DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
 
 In a Nairobi restaurant:
 CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
 
 On the grounds of a private school:
 NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
 
 On an Thai highway river-crossing:
 TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
 
 On a poster at Kencom:
 ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ ?  IF SO, WE CAN  HELP.
 
 In a City restaurant:
 OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
 
 One of the Mathare buildings:
 MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
 
 A sign seen on a  restroom automatic hand dryer:
 DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
 
 In a Pumwani maternity ward:
 NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
 
 In a cemetery:
 PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
 
 Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
 GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.
 
 Hotel notice, Tokyo:
 ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS.
 
 On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
 OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
 
 In a Bangkok temple:
 IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
 
 Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
 PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
 
 Hotel brochure, Italy:
 THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM

 ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
 
 Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
 THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.  DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET 
 THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
 
 Hotel elevator, Paris:
 PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
 
 Hotel, Yugoslavia:
 THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
 
 Hotel, Japan:
 YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
 In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
 Monastery:
 YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET 
 COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
 
 Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
 NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF

 ASCENSION.
 
 Taken from a menu, Poland:
 SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN 
 THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN
THE 
 COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
 
 Supermarket, Hong Kong:
 FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
 
  >From the "Soviet Weekly":
 THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIETS REPUBLIC 
 PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE  EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
 
 In an East African newspaper:
 A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE 
 THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
 
 Hotel, Vienna:
 IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
 
 A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
 IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF 
 DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT 
 UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
 Hotel, Zurich:
 BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN 
 THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
 An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
 TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
 
 Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
 TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
 
 Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
 WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS ?
 
 In the window on a Swedish furrier:
 FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
 
 The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
 GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
 
 In a Swiss mountain inn:
 SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.
 
 Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
 WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 room:
 IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
 
 A laundry in Rome:
 LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.