[simpits-tech] please remove - militarycomponents@yahoo.com

[Richard Maxwell]

--- Roy Coates <roy@flightlab.liv.ac.uk> wrote:
> 
> 
> I apologise in advance!
> 
> Roy.
> 
> 
> 
> I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last
> > > week, phoned her up to
> > > arrange
> > > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> > >
> > >
> > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
> > > when they lit a fire in the
> > > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> > > you can't have your kayak and
> > > heat it.
> > >
> > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he
> > > said "OK then", I said
> > > "Nearest
> > > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he
> > > said "You're closest".
> > >
> > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
> > > saboteur. I go out the
> > > night
> > > before and shoot the fox.
> > >
> > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile
> > > of snow. I rang her up, I
> > > said "Did you get my drift?".
> > >
> > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I
> > > want to make a complaint,
> > > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those
> > > are pickled onions".
> > >
> > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I
> > > thought "he's trying to pull a
> > > fast one".
> > >
> > > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
> > > Paris". He said
> > > "Eurostar?".
> > > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean
> > > Martin".
> > >
> > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach
> > > me to do the splits?". He
> > > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't
> > > make Tuesdays".
> > >
> > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
> > > anything: trying to pack
> > > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain
> > > myself.
> > >
> > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
> > > people's pants, it was
> > > Wedgie Kray.
> > >
> > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this
> > > duck came up to me with a red
> > > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
> > > I said "Waiter, I asked
> > > for
> > > a-ROMATIC duck".
> > >
> > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other
> > > day I entered a competition
> > > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one
> > > jar.
> > >
> > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your
> > > house and talk about your
> > > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a
> > > Je-hoover's witness".
> > >
> > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust
> > > pipes, he's a catholic
> > > converter.
> > >
> > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to
> > > report a nuisance caller",
> > > he said "Not you again".
> > >
> > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov
> > > (world chess champion) and there
> > > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to
> > > pass me the salt.
> > >
> > > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said
> > > "I'll take that as a
> > > condiment".
> > >
> > > Now did you know all male tennis players are
> > > witches, for example Goran,
> > > even he's a witch.
> > >
> > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with
> > > two school bags, he's
> > > bisatchel.
> > >
> > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
> > > wrapped in a barcode. I
> > > said "Are you two an item?".
> > >
> > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a
> > > train-load of terrapins, I
> > > thought "That's a turtle disaster".
> > >
> > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi -
> > > get out! We don't want
> > > your
> > > type in here"
> > >
> > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says
> > > "I'll serve you, but don't
> > > start anything"
> > >
> > > A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
> > > The barman says, "Is this
> > > some
> > > kind of joke?"
> > >
> > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says
> > > "Sorry we don't serve food in
> > > here"
> > >
> > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> > >
> > > A seal walks into a club...
> > >
> > >
> > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac
> > > under his arm and says: "Pint
> > > please, and one for the road."
> > >
> > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the
> > > Old West. He slides up to the
> > > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
> > > shot my paw."
> > >
> > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
> > > hotel and were standing in the
> > > lobby discussing their recent tournament
> > > victories. After about an hour,the
> > > manager came out of the office and asked them to
> > > disperse. "But why?" they
> > > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I
> > > can't stand chess nuts
> > > boasting in an open foyer."
> > >
> > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
> > > contest. He sent in ten
> > > different puns, in the hope that at least one of
> > > the puns would win.
> > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > >
> > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for
> > > adoption. One of them goes to a
> > > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other
> > > goes to a family in Spain,
> > > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a
> > > picture of himself to his
> > > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
> > > husband that she wished she
> > > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
> > > responds, "But they are twins. If
> > > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> 
> 
> 
> 
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