[simpits-chat] Some Friday Humour...

[Roy Coates]

Subject:  Idiots...

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer- in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Now don't you feel better?

Subject: Grandpa.............

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."


Subject: a love affair

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU... AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE, THE FLU






Subject: Men are like..........

Men are like ......... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ......... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ......... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ......... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ......... Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ......... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ......... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ......... Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ......... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ......... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ......... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped