[simpits-chat] Phabulous Phantoms....

[Gene Buckle]

This was posted to a message board I read.  <sense_of_humor=ON>

TO: Capt. Eric Best 3 SEP 93
FROM: The Wild Weasels
SUBJ: Gross Written Buffoonery

1. In case you hadn't noticed, the F-4 is the F-4 of the 1990s. Any
comparison between that worthless piece of flying FOD that you buzz around
in and the Mighty Phantom II is insulting to the many men who have fought
and died In the F-4. The Phantom II was flying Defense Suppression and Air
Superiority missions over Hanoi, dropping LGBs with PAVE KNIFE on the Paul
Doumer Bridge, and flying CAS in the Iron Triangle (to mention just a few)
long before your flying toy was a wet dream in the minds of the Texas
Congressional Delegation.

The misplaced belief that the F-16 is a true multi-role fighter is no
doubt a contributing factor to the common occurrence of Vipers spearing
rocks, dirt, trees, other aircraft and large bodies of water with the
pitot tube. The F-16 was designed to be a cheap, day VFR fighter and no
amount of training or money will ever be able to overcome that imitation.
If any aircraft today approaches the potential for comparison to the F-4,
it is another two seat, two engine McDonnell Douglas product in the Air
Force Service.

2. Any attempt to inflate your basement-level status by comparison to what
is, quite simply the best jet fighter ever built and the Defender of the
Free World for over 30 Years, is a pitiful attempt to boost your ego by
comparing yourself to better men flying a better aircraft. The F-4 has
flown more types of missions, in a superlative fashion, than the F-16
could ever consider. We would all love to see the day when an F-16 lifts
off with 24 Mk 82s and four AAMs on a combat mission. And the F-4 became
the world's best ever distributor of MIG parts with 1950s technology,
AIM-7Es, AIM 9Bs and cannon, without having to wait for the introduction
of the AMRAAM.

3. The simple fact of the matter is that the dismal combat performance of
the F-16 in the Gulf War is directly responsible for the continuing
service of both the F-4 and the A-10. The F-16s inability to deliver
ordnance load accurately resulted in the need to re-attack targets,
endangering men needlessly and wasting resources. It wasn't the F-16 that
ran a SAM-killing 8 ship through the most intense air defenses ever
encountered by the USAF over Baghdad on the first night of the war. The
only reason "Magnum" is even in your vocabulary is because the dwindling
numbers of Phantoms led to the conclusion that an F-16 on the wing is
better than nothing at all, but only just.

The only people that have not caught on to the glaring inadequacy of the
F-16 are the people who drive them. The only foreign customer stupid
enough to purchase the F-16 since the war has been Taiwan, largely
because, (1) they placed their order long before the war, and (2) they had
no real option because they were not offered the F-18 and didn't already
operate the Phantom II. Even your own manufacturer bailed out of the
business as soon as they realized that they could no longer rely on
general and gross stupidity to sell their flying failure.

4. To wrap this up, we greatly resent the misguided and faulty comparison
of the F-4 Phantom II to the Fighting Falcon, the only fighter aircraft In
history to be named after a second-rate college football team. Any
resemblance between the McDonnell Douglas Phantom II Supersonic,
All-Weather, Fighter-Bomber (Mostly Bomber), and the miserable,
single-seat, single-engine, computer designed, fly-by-wire, composite
airframe, software-driven, day VFR, ice-FOD sucking, weakdick bubble
canopied, target missing, ground impacting, non-hook raising, auto
trimming, piddlepack ejecting, G-LOCing piece of flying pork barrel
politics is limited to the fact that both aircraft have an F- designation.
Your aircraft should have a blue stripe painted around the nose and "FOR
TRAINING USE ONLY" stenciled on the fuselage. And you can go to the club
tonight knowing that you, your article, and this letter occupy a
significant place in our Doofer book

THE WILD WEASELS THINGS TO DO LIST:

* GRANADA
* PANAMA
* SOMALIA
* BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA
* CUBA
* NORTH KOREA
* TEXAS


:)
g.