[simpits-tech] Sorry - but it IS friday!!

[Roy Coates]

I apologise in advance!

Roy.



I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last
> > week, phoned her up to
> > arrange
> > a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> >
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
> > when they lit a fire in the
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> > you can't have your kayak and
> > heat it.
> >
> > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he
> > said "OK then", I said
> > "Nearest
> > to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he
> > said "You're closest".
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
> > saboteur. I go out the
> > night
> > before and shoot the fox.
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile
> > of snow. I rang her up, I
> > said "Did you get my drift?".
> >
> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I
> > want to make a complaint,
> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those
> > are pickled onions".
> >
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I
> > thought "he's trying to pull a
> > fast one".
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
> > Paris". He said
> > "Eurostar?".
> > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean
> > Martin".
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach
> > me to do the splits?". He
> > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't
> > make Tuesdays".
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
> > anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain
> > myself.
> >
> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
> > people's pants, it was
> > Wedgie Kray.
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this
> > duck came up to me with a red
> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
> > I said "Waiter, I asked
> > for
> > a-ROMATIC duck".
> >
> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other
> > day I entered a competition
> > and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one
> > jar.
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your
> > house and talk about your
> > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a
> > Je-hoover's witness".
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust
> > pipes, he's a catholic
> > converter.
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to
> > report a nuisance caller",
> > he said "Not you again".
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov
> > (world chess champion) and there
> > was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to
> > pass me the salt.
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said
> > "I'll take that as a
> > condiment".
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are
> > witches, for example Goran,
> > even he's a witch.
> >
> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with
> > two school bags, he's
> > bisatchel.
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
> > wrapped in a barcode. I
> > said "Are you two an item?".
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a
> > train-load of terrapins, I
> > thought "That's a turtle disaster".
> >
> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi -
> > get out! We don't want
> > your
> > type in here"
> >
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says
> > "I'll serve you, but don't
> > start anything"
> >
> > A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
> > The barman says, "Is this
> > some
> > kind of joke?"
> >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says
> > "Sorry we don't serve food in
> > here"
> >
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> >
> > A seal walks into a club...
> >
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac
> > under his arm and says: "Pint
> > please, and one for the road."
> >
> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the
> > Old West. He slides up to the
> > bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
> > shot my paw."
> >
> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
> > hotel and were standing in the
> > lobby discussing their recent tournament
> > victories. After about an hour,the
> > manager came out of the office and asked them to
> > disperse. "But why?" they
> > asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I
> > can't stand chess nuts
> > boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
> > contest. He sent in ten
> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of
> > the puns would win.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for
> > adoption. One of them goes to a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other
> > goes to a family in Spain,
> > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a
> > picture of himself to his
> > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
> > husband that she wished she
> > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
> > responds, "But they are twins. If
> > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."